Diaries

Getting straight to what I feel today – It seems like no books, nor blogs that I have come across talk in actual what could be the possible problems to a distressed relationship between a couple. Terrible talks, even terrible fights and fists, after-fight shocks and effects and the busy routine work and imbalance of life, no one wishes to have such phase. But looks like for me they are not just phase, they are becoming part, no can’t accept it, but I will, that’s the first step I will take to make my life a bit better. So I will start writing my thoughts and happenings to trace it back and find some solution to my life and meaning of my thousand breaths that I have taken on this planet.
Somehow my mind keeps on thinking about how to get things straight and what more can I do. But its time I accept that now I cannot do anything more than what I have done. Is this a situation which is faced by most human beings or it is a situation faced by most female beings? So many common things I see in my man and others. Whether a woman is perfect or not it just doesn’t matter to men, Men have their arguments and are never ready to accept that their actions have screwed things up, or maybe they just accept it in interviews and parties to show how cool and matured they are. Funnily every man things they resemble to that man in the interview, sure they do.
So whats my problem? Well mine is may be the same mundane issues. Men are irresponsible and selfish, they even love woman selfishly. Woman who wants money, men don’t give them enough and women who don’t want money men are just after giving them that, regardless whether they have it or not.
But the point here is what do a man understand when a woman says I don’t want your money? Well to my perspective they think we live on air and can survive even in space hanging.
Mine is the same problem. Probably I know how to get my money from and so I don’t ask that from him, but definitely I speak up when my hard earned money is poured out to his irresponsible spends. Should there be a problem? Will I be called a money minded woman? Shouldn’t I call him a money minded man?
All the while I was trying to think how not to ask for money from him and I realised that I never did. All I was asking him to pay for his expenses as I am not yet a millionaire to take care of his extravagant expenses and luxuries. Though he has been enjoying all that this while and still I am asked what is that I am not getting from him.
Right! I studied, I worked, I get paid, I spend minimally and he gets the luxuries from where? He’s got a car, house, best comfy job, friends and family to his support and laughter. Why does he need me then? And why do I need him? What does marriage give? Should we expect anything from marriage? If not then I am free, I should no more support his needs and luxuries and If Yes then where is my share? How long should one wait to get the results? 1, 5, 10, 15years and what if you die before that? Why wait? Why not get happy now? Why not kill all those problems or problem causing roots?
If you ask this, then sure his parents will vote for him and say fine, if you feel so you are free beta!!! But how many times will they say this? Do they wish to keep their son ever dependent? Well this is a case where the son himself is a dumb man who depends on his parents verdict of me letting free.
Is this a bigger problem than money and other stuff in a married life?
Yes, I feel the main focus in marriage should be to look for one’s needs and also what the other person needs. Check if you are capable of fulfilling your needs first, are you satisfied enough in life , then ask can you take care of her needs? If the answers in any case is NO it’s a complete failure then. One shouldn’t move ahead at all. Also one more thing which causes failure is the definition of needs, love and fun. What men consider as fun may not be the same for woman, so should they still think that if they are having fun and a woman is accompanying them means that she too is getting her fun part in life and do men know that by doing this she is actually trying to say that I respect your likings and will welcome them as if they are mine? Well have men ever tried to give back the same, being a part of their fun and making her feel that even that is his fun part. Woman can do it so effortlessly, being a part of her husband’s fun and activities that he likes. Very rarely you come across men who love doing what her women likes. Enjoying with her husband by doing what he like doesn’t mean that she has no desire of her own. She is just waiting for her turn or may be for that time where she can display her likings and do it too. But unfortunately that spare time which she always waits for never comes, its pre-consumed by her man already. One more rock which can break a marriage badly. This might suffocate a person who trusts her husband and keeps waiting for months to do things she likes. On this road she most of the time loses the feel on how to enjoy her likings and feels guilty on proposing her likings. Who brings her to this state? Just like men even women are brought up by their parents in such a way that they always got what they liked, still so spontaneously they melt and gel into someone’s likings, that’s what I call real LOVE! So you just saw the glimpses of love and yes they are glimpses, she is making all her effort to grow it into a full-fledged love, but who on earth will make the man understand this simple thing that nothing grows overnight you need to make it grow. But men think love is already there and its going to be there no matter how insensitive they behave, how irresponsible they become still no one could challenge them when they utter those 3 words ‘I Love You” “Honey”!!!!! God save the world from these 3 over used words which hold no meaning anywhere now!!!
Coming back to needs, needs are not just financial and physical, a very very very important aspect is neglected especially by old fashioned parents who themselves don’t have ability to resolve this sensitive issue and that aspect is emotional need. Emotional needs are not just a shoulder to cry and a company to laugh, this is such a narrow and so mean way of representing emotional needs. Emotional needs are too wide to explain, but at least if a partner can start understanding or even if he/she manages to feel what the other person may feel about things, situations and people than half battle is won. If you know how bad it feels when someone makes u miserable then you should be able to know that it feels same when the other person is miserable, but do you actually define which is that situation when a person is miserable, how do you know that? Well that’s when you are supposed to feel or learn to feel how your partner feels, if you ignore like most men does then u surely fail. The only time you check carefully is when you do foreplay, to check if the person is ready or not.

Awaiting the love that may touch my soul

So once again, today is the day where I am alone, I again feel I have no one to share my love. I am married to a person whom I love a lot, but somewhere in the way we both lost each other. He is struggling on his side of the boat and I am struggling on my side. The heavy tides have kept us away to be on the opposite side and save the boat from drowning, which clearly means that our boat is under attack by the imbalace of life. Either both have to move from their sides equally at the same time or the boat will drown.

We had a long discussion last night and again this morning things struck me bad. Again a heavy flow of emotions drained out through my heart and I spilt it all in an email and sailed it to him in a click.

After exchanging a few of them there was no reply......I called him and I found that the tide has changed. It is quiet but not calm. I called him and talked but all I get is list of duties and their status of completion. Once again he made me feel as if I am a matron of a dorm.......Why he have to do this ........Does he need to do this to show his ownslef how well he has performed? What kind of talks are these???? Why am I being hurt all the time, he doesn't really car for me???? Anyways, let me not think of me and be sad. So what if I got his frustrations. I will just be a witness to his behaviour. I have to control my mind. Anyways...my mind is thinking at a speed too fast......feels like puking.

It's Maha shivratri today and on this auspicious night I should put my efforst to bring that calmness within. I surrender! I surrender my needs and wants. I surrender my life's pain. I surrender my unattended feelings. I surrender my choking of my throat.

I hope life is not this hard always. It has always grown better, hope it grows better in this direction of my life too.

Suddenly, I feel better. Just remembering the GURU feels so much better. WOW!!!

Dream Of Love

Have you ever felt like this, the way I am feeling today? Numb! Since past 14 years I had just dreamt of a lovely marriage, and I am sure every girl does that and now I know how every women comes to the same conclusion and that is love evaporates after marriage and leaves you behind with hard core facts and needs of life. These days basic necessities are available to all. But when you don't get love and pampering you start diverting your mind and heart to materialistic things. It all starts with a small disappointment and too many disappointments results into one such complaint. Now this complaint is never heard the first time. A set of repetitive complaints creates an issue and many such issues drives you to a point where love doesn't exist.

But what kind of disappointments can one have?Now that depends upon individual. I am a type of person who loves being different and trendy without making efforts. I love hard work and I practice the same. Ever since teenage I knew how girls went after money over love and nature. I decided my first rule then - Not to go after money but love and nature of the man. I was borna nd brought up into a very affluent family and was not designed to take many pressures. Life untill college went rocking with fabulous things to flaunt and a very generous nature to show. Everything was just perfect. Hey why are we in past....aaarggh....thats one more side effects of an unhappy marriage life.

This is my second relation and got married to him after a lot of "social and thinking about parents" pressure in life. Seems like I got all wrong signals to make my life the way it is today and no one could have stopped it from happening. Finally I decided to get married to him because he was not earning and because he sounded and looked very hard working and promising by words. I should have known by now after one previous experience that promising by words is an imaginary term. My biggest mistake again, so I think I m a fool!

Now what's happening is something which I would have predicted but was trying to stop it , how foolish. I think I am GOD....no way! People don't change in love , in fact in such love which was shown to me or which I perceived. Not his mistake, he just showed but mistake is I believed, so second mistake, I believed him. But now what? Now? Nothing, we are having fights every otehr day. Fights which are making me maniac and depressed. Everyone has weaknesses and point is always to stay away from things which make you more weak or which can harm ur mental and physical self. But my weakness is also a chosen one. I do every possible thing to avoid taunts. Thats why I stay away from people who are ill mannered and I be moderate always so that ppl don't get back on me. But guess what????...its no more like that......I am daily facing such people and my hubby keeps taking me to such people, he cares not to understand this that I am suffering, but all he can say is common grow up.

Anyways.....enough of this today.....this blog is nothing more than piece of garbage where I am trying to dumped all my frustrations and complaints......Basically he cares but he doesn't. He cares when he has time and he's done with his stuff and needs, not when I need. I care for him before he speaks. So nothing, I have lost hope now and have no joy to live life and celebrate this birth. Feels like boredom, when will these years pass and I die....Bad thought but people who only care for themselves and who make others also care for only them are responsible for this imbalance.

My First Blog

Starting a blog was an age old dream, these days everyone's got a blog. I feel it's a great way to express one's self and get some feedbacks from people who are not biased as they hardly know you.

Well I will be writing about everything here, everything I know about. May be the world will know one more person in it's true form and totality. Writing is a very satisfying experience, just like surrendering, surrendering thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc...

Anyways, now I have got something creative to do and that is to think about the next blog for you all. Today nobody knows me, but soon I will have many readers who will love me for I am. Love is the essence of life, but will tell you how this essence and its feelings die and get revived with a different meaning with this moving life.

Will talk more and about it in these coming blogs.......'Good day'!