Awaiting the love that may touch my soul

So once again, today is the day where I am alone, I again feel I have no one to share my love. I am married to a person whom I love a lot, but somewhere in the way we both lost each other. He is struggling on his side of the boat and I am struggling on my side. The heavy tides have kept us away to be on the opposite side and save the boat from drowning, which clearly means that our boat is under attack by the imbalace of life. Either both have to move from their sides equally at the same time or the boat will drown.

We had a long discussion last night and again this morning things struck me bad. Again a heavy flow of emotions drained out through my heart and I spilt it all in an email and sailed it to him in a click.

After exchanging a few of them there was no reply......I called him and I found that the tide has changed. It is quiet but not calm. I called him and talked but all I get is list of duties and their status of completion. Once again he made me feel as if I am a matron of a dorm.......Why he have to do this ........Does he need to do this to show his ownslef how well he has performed? What kind of talks are these???? Why am I being hurt all the time, he doesn't really car for me???? Anyways, let me not think of me and be sad. So what if I got his frustrations. I will just be a witness to his behaviour. I have to control my mind. Anyways...my mind is thinking at a speed too fast......feels like puking.

It's Maha shivratri today and on this auspicious night I should put my efforst to bring that calmness within. I surrender! I surrender my needs and wants. I surrender my life's pain. I surrender my unattended feelings. I surrender my choking of my throat.

I hope life is not this hard always. It has always grown better, hope it grows better in this direction of my life too.

Suddenly, I feel better. Just remembering the GURU feels so much better. WOW!!!